Expectations and Excuses

Right now I feel numb.

Right now I feel my heart breaking.

Right now I am angry.

Right now I am confused.

I'm not sure where to start this. I have a lot of raw emotion going on. Maybe I should wait to write this, but I am using this to process my own thoughts as well as sharing what's going on.

Tonight, 11 days after sending "the letter" to my dad, I gave my husband permission to call and see what was going on.

I obviously had expectations. I think if you read my letter my expectations are easy to see. I expected that the man I thought my dad was would respond in a way that involved tears and some kind of repentance for being distant. I expected that he would have some realization that he was missing out greatly on his grandchildren. I expected that even if he didn't change and visit somewhat regularly, he would still say he wanted to. I expected him to choose us.


I was wrong.


I still haven't heard from my dad yet, so what I am relaying is from the almost hour long conversation my husband had with him.

My dad said that I don't live in reality. That I have no idea what it's like to be him and how hard his life is. That there is no possible way he can afford to come visit. That he wants to, but he just can't. That we are too young to know anything about the importance of family, sacrifice, or finances.

He said this, and a bunch of excuses and talking around in circles.

Like I said, I have yet to hear from him. We'll see how he tells it all to me.

So far, I have gathered that I am not worth his time or energy, and neither are my kids.

....


Although I am hurting and confused, I am thankful for the things I do have. I am thankful that I married a man who loves me so deeply that he would call my father and make him answer questions. I am thankful that the man I married falls more in love with our children every day and I don't have to fear this outcome for my own daughter. I am thankful that I have a loving supportive extended family.

So now I wait again. For a phone call or a letter. If one comes. Until then I will spend time praying and seeking my heavenly Father so my heart does not turn bitter and angry. I will spend time grieving what feels right now like the loss of a relationship I hoped for.

....