The Letter

I wrote a letter tonight. One to my dad. I love my dad a lot, but our relationship has always been anything but close. There is something about a daughter needing a Daddy, it's a relationship that shapes a woman for the rest of her life. I thought I'd post the letter, because I believe in being vulnerable. Although vulnerable on a blog is a lot easier than in person lol. As well as letting you know my family is just as normal as yours ;) I'm not sure why really, I just felt like I should post it... The letter will be mailed tomorrow. I think that time is too short to leave broken relationships, so this is my attempt at starting to fix ours.

....


"I feel like I need to write this letter because you need to hear it. Every so often you make comments that "one day you will make it up to me." Have you screwed up? yes. I feel like I barely know you most of the time and you have no idea who I am because of your lack of effort to be involved in my life. There are a lot of things I wish you were more involved in while I was growing up. Eventually I decided I could deal with you being absent in my life. But what I couldn't stand for was you treating my kids the same way you treated me. I don't want my children to know the sting of waiting for you to follow through on your promises and it never happening. I don't want them to wonder when you will act like you want to be a part of their lives. You have missed the boat on a lot of things. On Addie's first birthday you didn't call. You said she wouldn't remember. What you are missing is that as much it is about her having a Grandpa, it is about you having a granddaughter. You are missing out on an amazing little girl who has so much joy to share with the world around her. If you heard her voice you would understand how when strangers see her smile, she changes their day for the better. If you were to visit her you would know that there is nothing sweeter than the way she loves to cuddle in under your chin to give you a hug and lets go only to give you a kiss. And if you could only experience her sense of humour, it's incredible. I find myself going back and forth from being angry to incredibly hurt that you haven't seen her for well over a year and have only lived 3 hours away. I find myself shocked that you still haven't met your grandson who is over 7 months old now. I get that money is tight. But honestly, it is one tank of gas. If you really wanted to you could save up. You could have saved up, you had a lot of notice that you were going to have a second grandchild. There aren't good enough excuses for having not seen them both for this long. This isn't a 'get out of my life letter' this isn't a 'you are such a screw up' letter, this is a letter to tell you to get over yourself. Stop dwelling on all the things you think you should have done, stop beating yourself up and sulking, stop doing whatever you are doing. You can change the way this story is going. You can choose to be involved in my life and my kids lives. I'm not looking for any kind of grand gestures to make up for lost time. I just want you to make an effort. I know that you care and that you love me and my kids, but I think you have allowed yourself to be paralyzed by guilt. So allow the man who is trapped so deeply inside of you to love and be loved. You have a daughter and two amazing grandkids who don't deserve to hear things like "maybe I'll die and make it all up to you." What we deserve is a father and a grandpa who wants to be a part of our life. Needless to say, I hope you choose us. I hope you choose to make an effort. I hope you long to feel your granddaughters arms wrap around your neck and see the face of your grandson because they will help your life make sense, the love they give will help you feel complete.

I love you. I'm always going to be your little girl, I just want you to act like my Daddy."